Finding the Desert in Self

By Luis Molinar
July 2002

Dear Warrior of Heart,

When I chose to spend time in the Sonora desert a few months ago, I was aware that I would be experiencing a time of reflection upon my new priorities in life, and also this teaching that I've been gifted with. I must also say that deep inside I believed that this was going to be a sad and austere time for me. Maybe even a time of self-deprivation and suffering. One thing I that I knew for sure, was that this time alone would be a time for me to really reconstruct my self. This initial belief that I needed to suffer and live by depriving myself was something from my catholic background, no doubt. Truthfully, I was open to experiencing whatever this period of being in solitude and silence with myself would bring.

I felt myself start to enter this place in me, while driving past the California and Arizona desert. As I got closer to the Mexican border I started to feel fear and trepidation of what I was about to do and also what may be about to surface while writing and doing my personal practice. I started to notice a fear about leaving the US and entering Mexico by automobile. I usually travel to Mexico three or more times a year, by commercial airliner and right to Mexico City and back. This time I felt myself driving my 'father's old car,' this awareness felt very different and somewhat frightening. I asked myself if my fear came from traveling by auto to Mexico, or if it came from what I had to face while there. After some time, I came to the conclusion that the fear was from not knowing what to expect. I knew then that I was truly entering the place of the unexpected with rewards at its end. I was also aware of the metaphor of what I called driving my father's car, meaning, my old behavioral patterns learned from him when he was alive.

I spent about seven day's driving to the Sonora desert, stopping and being a tourist along the way. During this time of solitude and questioning I realized that every time I've given myself time to be with “Self”, I've received many different gifts, and at the same time I understood that this experience may be very different from the rest. I felt that wonderful unexpected place in me, very much alive.

I was aware that, in this place of “not knowing” I needed to develop an intent for myself and my work there. With my separation and pending divorce from my wife Victoria, I knew that I had an opportunity to reconstruct my personal life from a different place within me. I also knew that I had an opportunity to enhance my own Self Integrity. I knew from the onset of my journey, that I needed to create a new place for my own truth, that would eventually feed my place of integrity and not someone else's -- not my mother's, father's, wife's and teacher's truth or any images from those icons in my own process of domestication. I also knew that I wanted to change the way that I passed this teaching on to others and have it come from a place with less effort and more from the Heart.

Another thing that I was very aware of was that I wanted for once in my life, to live from a place of deserving and not from survival. A new place in me that could open to the full abundance in all that can come to me without ever holding back, because of my own “less than” limitations. I am aware, as I write this, that by declaring this intent, I could possibly be enhancing my own individual intent in my desire to reach the intent of the Creator. I am also aware that when one in circle sets his/her intent to do something different from the old dream, there will be a ripple effect to all in the circle. What I suggest to this end is that you all start looking at your life and what you really want for yourselves. Something from your own truth, your heart and not your mind that's based on fear, not someone else's dream but your very own dream that comes from this place deep inside of you. Use this time of “Being in the Desert” to get some reflection and search for your very own truth. Once again, be aware of the difference between the “truth” of your thinking based on fear and the real truth that comes from the Creator through your own heart and feeling body. By the way, this can be a good place to stalk your self.

One last thing, I feel very grateful to Don Miguel and this sacred teaching, as well as to all of you who make this teaching of deep heart alive for yourselves and the circle. I send you much love and gratitude for your efforts in becoming strong in heart.

Luis